I don’t know how the rest of the world fades away when we are together. Did I make that happen simply by desiring him so?

There is no memory of people or storefronts or speeding cars at the end of the day. Every memory is just of him. It was always just him. It was us. There is an us and that has to be enough for me right now. It’s by design I suppose.

I want to feel him. Vibrant, warm and standing in front of me. His smell, the depth of his green eyes, the little callous beneath his thumb…every memory is like a flavor I can place on my tongue. I can hold on to him as long as I want before swallowing. Memories are like that. I can replay his voice, the twinkle in his eye and I’m lost. My need to have him touch me spirals around my body and rests in a little heavy spot in my chest. The despair.

I dwell on the details. The little crinkles around his eyes when he smiles, the tempo of his voice, his hand in mine and the promise in his eyes. It’s always there. The rest of the world is such an intrusion when we walk together.

I wonder if he knows. If he knows how cherished he is by me. I can remember the love and the connection we’ve always had and that gives me courage to hold on. To not throw away what I have with him dreaming about what I don’t. I’d drown for sure. I don’t want to drown. I’m an amazing swimmer. I’ve been practicing since the very first time he touched me.

Sometimes I pretend we are soul mates. That some invisible force has woven me into his life and him into mine. I am whole with him but not broken when we say goodbye because I know him. I know what I mean to him. I need him like my next heartbeat. We love differently but we both love.

I never want to know how it feels to get over him. I’d rather drown.