Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It’s a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Jerry: Never.

-The Mexican

Tonight I feel opened up.

Torn open somehow…and so much of the contents of myself are spread around. I can see them and touch them but I can’t seem to pick them all up and put them back where they belong. I am sitting here right now playing in them…feeling ashamed of some of them and ignoring others. I am resisting the urge to dwell here for the rest of the night.

Tonight was…wow, well it was really something. My evening with Richard. I’ve quit worrying that he is going to stop taking from me what he needs. I feared he would be afraid to hurt me, to take me, to make me and keep me his for all the reasons we both have. Tonight….we spared nothing. Tonight was different and good.

Intense is not the word. I’m not ready to describe it, I can’t. And I say I can’t because it still feels too intimate, too raw. Like I said, I am opened up right now and can’t quite figure out how to close myself back. I was determined tonight to feel everything..to experience his every touch. All of it. So often when he hurts me I allow myself to sweetly drift away where I feel it all on the surface…to where the pain is rushed off someplace else…sub space it is often called.

I don’t want that anymore. Tonight I rejected it. I realized I needed to stop turning inward and I needed to start reaching out. I trust him enough now, maybe I always have. I realized I don’t want to miss one minute of interaction with him, one second, one word or even a breath. I want it all…I want to be able to recall it vividly. My reactions, his expressions…all that we do and say and give and take.

I did a good job of that tonight. Tonight. I was a good submissive to Richard. I’m not always. I think I believed that allowing myself to go away to sub space allowed him that extra level of sadistic pleasure. I realized tonight that we interact better if I stick around for the entire interaction. 🙂

So I did. I rejected the ‘let me detach myself from all of this’ feeling and I turned to him with my need. For all of my needs….there were moments when I was begging for pain…I needed it so badly. And then there were the moments when I needed to feel his breathing to remind me to breathe…and when I needed a soft touch to remind me I was ok. I learned what I really knew all along…that he would meet my need. He would be there for me and not take me over the edge without helping me back up. I learned that detachment isn’t such a safe place and the true intimate experience comes from giving back…by begging…or breathing or laughing together.

So- no detachment. No sub space….then why tonight when all is quiet in my own little world- you know, the one that has Richard ten minutes away from me yet knowing it might as well be miles and miles….why tonight do I feel so opened up and spilled out. I feel like I wasn’t closed back up the whole way.

He called me after we were both home and we were able to talk for almost an hour. As we were talking L TM’ed him….she was out with a friend and they invited him to come out and have a glass of wine with them. Why did this creep into my soul the way it did and spiral me into this dark place? He has often left me after our time together and met her someplace and when he didn’t go out he would just go home and it isn’t like I didn’t know she was there. So why tonight did I flinch? Was it just jealously …that I became acutely aware of how far away he truly was at that very second….and that I needed him so badly. It isn’t as if I want to deny her the comfort of her husband….I mean after all she had to think all night about Richard being with me. So it wasn’t about that. It was about my own mind….and feelings. My needs…and I don’t always pay a lot of attention to them.

It made me feel like he was able to just turn it all off…and act as if everything was normal, as if we hadn’t just experienced what we did. I told him that I continue to feel him…to feel the collar at my throat or the cane against my body long after we walk away from each other. I can’t imagine leaving him and going to meet Liam…or Jackson…or Boston. It just made me feel…well, it made me wish I had allowed myself the safety of the feeling detached. I am telling myself…the bad with the good. There is still more good. I just need it right after the other I guess…lol.

I need a slower decent into reality.

He told me tonight that after being with me he feels as if there is a shell around him, he feels hardened after leaving me. He struggles to make it home- not wanting to change head spaces so quickly. He said he feels me with him for days after seeing me. For days he can’t stomach L’s touch.  He refuses to speak about what we do when he goes home. I understand his need to close that off before going home. Though in the moments or hours afterwards (depending on our time) that I have him a person could not be more loving or nurturing. I have never felt more loved or more cherished that I have when being held by Richard. I realize it must be hard to close all that off and go home. He tries to act normal but it is hard.

I just feel like I am entirely left out of that equation. I don’t feel normal again. I don’t feel like all of what he opened up in me was closed. How do I do that? How do I enjoy all that we share and not let this dreadful consuming pain ruin it? I’ve been here before….it always goes away. I know that. But how…right now in the midst of it all what can make it feel better? Is it remembering our hours together earlier and all that we did…all that he said..all that we both felt. When we said to each other that noone could ever truly understand how we feel or what we give to each other. Or- is it forgetting? Is it coming home and acting like I am not Owned like he can act as if he isn’t an Owner. Do I make plans to meet another after serving him…? Would that bring me back to good, back to normal? Do I try to detach myself from all of the pleasure just to take away or at least avoid some of this throbbing pain I feel right now. Is this just classic sub drop?

I asked him to let me get off the phone with him tonight early. I was afraid my tears and emotional sort of submissive drop would ruin what we had shared. He knows me too well…he knows my voice and my sadness and tried his best to talk me through it. Eventually though he sent me on to bed and he is calling here to tuck me in pretty soon.

I welcome that. I need to sleep and I hope I can. I hope I can get to the place where I can take and give and take and give….and be the submissive that Richard has taught me to be without letting all the girl emotional stuff get in my way. How can you detach yourself from that?

Is it as simple as needing to see him again soon after so he can make sure I am all closed up. Do I ask to see him tomorrow..should I have to ask? Does he even understand this feeling or what it takes from me to do what I do…? I don’t know. Is it as simple as planning time to allow he and I to be normal together after spending hours with him as the sadist and me as a masochist. I think I need that, I know I need that. I think that I need to require that. Can I make a demand like that…can I say to my Owner….If this is going to work for me….if you want me to feel safe enough to give you what I gave you tonight I need to be left all closed up. Can I ask that….expect that….hope for that? Can I demand that he give me that much time? And if not can I find the courage to not put myself through another downward spiral like tonight? I am Owned by him…his submissive..and I adore him. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

Yet…do I the right to say what I need if my need is more of his time….if my need changes the ‘rules’ or makes it harder for him at home? Is that fair? Is it fair not to ask? And isn’t it not asking…not expecting and not getting what I need that always loops us back around to the end of the circle where we face the bad outweighing the good? So do I not owe Richard and myself the truth…and if the truth is being more clear with my needs….isn’t that a good thing?

I’m not blaming him. We said goodbye tonight with a smile and a kiss…neither of us wanting to leave. Both of us reveling in what we had just felt. It was me who had to get home tonight early.

Yet…he was somehow able to close it all up.

I can’t do that all alone.

pixie has asked me to say something about all this.  As she has said, I am out of the country for another week.  We have talked several times.  We exchange email.  We are both sad and confused.  I was trying to give her the freedom to find the person who CAN give her all she deserves.  We both know I can’t, as hard as I try and as much as I want to.  So I tried to make room for that person.  As I said to her, I suck up all of her life and fill it all up so there is no room for anyone else.  And so I tried to make space.
It is obvious that even when I am not there, I am there….

It is perhaps less obvious that I am not doing this because I think it is good for me.  I have told her again and again that if I want to be selfish, I would keep her and to hell with anyone else.

So we talk, and we worry around it, and we wonder where we are going.  It seems possible to me that I can never really release pixie, any more than she can walk away from me.  It may be that one of us will have to die to come unglued from the other.  It may be that separation is something that will have to happen to us, rather than be decided by us.  For whatever decisions I have made, we are still stuck together.  All my words have not changed much, just made us both sad.  And this post is sad.  There was no joy in this post.

pixie and I need to talk face to face, which is another week away.  In the meantime, please know I have not “abandoned” her and have no intention of just walking out of her life.  What role I will play in the future is something we will have to talk about.  I know she needs me – I know I will be there for her.  But none of that answers the question of whether my owning her is good for her in the long run, or bad for her.  That is a harder question.  I keep thinking it is not good for her in the long run. I read this post and speak to her and can see that maybe she disagrees with me on what is in her best interest.

I am the one who has to deal with the “snapshots” of pixie telling me that the bad outweighs the good, that we both know that I can’t give her what she needs, that the pain of seeing me for a few hours a week, and then having me leave town for three weeks, is more than she can deal with.  That is the reality of it, and that is what I have responsibility for.  And guilt for, just by the way – knowing that my presence in her life, for all the good it may bring, prevents her from ever finding the person who CAN give it all to her.  So I’m just trying to find what is best for her.

I miss her terribly.  If all I thought of was what I wanted and needed, I would not release her, and would take her back this instant.  We have agreed, I think, (I think??? haven’t we pixie?) to think about this until I am back and we can speak, at length, face to face, and decide what to do next.  I know I am totally conflicted – that what I want and need may be completely inconsistent with her best interests.  In the long run.  And in the short run, I am here to help her through all this.

So I am rambling – tired, confused, too far away – and doesn’t that tell you something???  I am too far away.  I know it.  And not owning her is just crushing my spirit.  I’ll try to be more coherent the next time. Not being with her is killing me.

love you, pixie.  you know I do.

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.”

He whispered into my skin; his breath adding to the dampness on the back of my neck…he whispered that he loved me, he whispered that I was his, that he needed me, and that he would take from me what he needed. His hand flowed down my back, a finger against my spine making me desperate for something more. A bite on my shoulder caused me to moan and another on my neck carried me over into that place of longing where my body is literally aching to be touched, to be used, to be hurt by him.

I was tied to the cross, my calves aching from being up on my toes, my arms trembling from being tied above my head. He stood behind me and teased my body, played with me as if I was just a toy and perhaps at that moment I truly was…as I often am, that is what I was. Toys are usually quiet and still unless they are touched and played with. I was being played with. He had the cane in his hand and he ran the point of it along the back of my legs. I shivered. I felt it again along my sides…a teasing touch along my rib cage causing me to suck in my breath. His gentleness startles me sometimes as much as his cruelty. Both are carnal and natural and real. Both are uniquely him and I get lost in it. I respond to both and they play into each other to the point of one being unable to exist without the other. When he is gentle it never wanders too far from my mind that it can turn hard in a heartbeat. A touch can become a hard pinch, a kiss can grow teeth. It is a consuming experience every time he touches me.

I am a fortunate submissive. I think of people who would question my lifestyle and I realize they have their own ideas of what is erotic, of what is consuming to them and their ideas do not have to match my own. I know that some people look forever to find the physical connection with someone that I have experienced with Richard. I remember thinking to myself a long time ago…lost perhaps in an adolescent fantasy of finding the man who could do all the wicked things to my body that my mind had somehow conjured up. In my mind I was the only one thinking such things…and wasn’t I a horrible person to have this dark longing to be beaten, to be collared, to perhaps even be a slave? Such thoughts crept into my mind as far back as I can remember. I teetered on feeling ashamed of what my mind produced and being titillatingly intrigued that my mind had this darker side.

Then came Mark. A dark knight of a man who taught me all I was feeling was alright. It was good….and he taught me to submit and to respect what my body yearned to give. The surrender of pain and the desire of belonging to someone and trusting so completely you would do anything for him. He taught me to love my submission and he taught me that even when he wasn’t going to be the man who took it from me it would still be good. He showed me what it meant o be loved and cherished for what I hid from everyone else. I have carried that feeling with me…I can pull it out and use it even now when I need to just as I imagine one day when Richard is just an archive to my readers I can pull lessons learned from him and apply them to my life.

Like I said, I am a fortunate submissive. I have known the love and the dark desire of two men who I will be forever grateful for the gifts they provided me. I spent a lot of time this morning reading my archives and the comments that followed. I was surprised at how melancholy I ended up feeling. It made me think of Mark and how we messed that up…but more than that it made me miss who I was when I first started seeing him again, back when I had no negative feelings associated with my submission. Innocent in a way…and part of me mourns that. It also made me realize that something Mark had told me was right. When he and I decided to end it he said it was important for him to know that one day when I looked back at our times together I would smile. I would only smile and not feel sad for the loss of what it is that was so undeniable between us but just smile that we had it….that we touched it and loved it for as long as we possibly could. I’m there. I realized today that the only sadness I feel regarding him now is knowing I disappointed him by some of my choices, I let him down. I have forgiven myself for that now even if he never will. And that’s ok too…because I’ve forgiven him. For everything.

It is a good feeling, freeing and light. I like that. I like knowing that is possible. It helps me as I prepare to move forward into my life, it will help me when it is time for me to look back on the time I shared with Richard and smile. I know that time is coming one day, hopefully later rather than sooner but we never know. There is a great big plan out there for my life somewhere….that is exciting to me. There is a man out there that I haven’t even met whose life will one day be so intertwined with my own there is no clear path between them. It is a powerful feeling that loving and losing love can make one stronger. It isn’t really just a cliché after all, is it? I am a stronger person, a better person for having loved Mark. I am a better person, a stronger person for having loved Richard. It is circular I hope. I learn daily from Richard and the biggest lesson he has taught me is that it is love, not time, that heals all wounds.

I don’t know who wrote this but it is a quote I look to often….”Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.”

Mark told me once in my first few days with Richard that he would be cheering me on the sidelines as I walk down this new path into my submission….I thought of that sentence often over this past year and used it when things got hard. I know that Mark and Richard are a lot alike. One day it will be Richard letting me go and cheering me on. That makes me feel safe and loved and how can any of that be bad?

I can’t believe I forgot to remember to write about this. It was one of the several truly wonderful memories of our time at the beach together. We were getting ready for dinner. It was the evening that I had been left alone on the beach for the hour or so when Richard and L returned to the room. I was not in a good state of mind. I felt resentful and for the lack of a better word pouty. Not a good combination when you are in the company of a grumpy sleep deprived dominant. When he returned from the room he found me asleep under the umbrella on the beach trying to get out of the blaring sun and sand storm that had temporarily found its way to our paradise. He shook me gently and sweetly asked me if I was alright. I didn’t answer him. I just closed my eyes as my last attempt to keep him from seeing the hurt inside of them. He uncovered me and said we were going back to the room. It was lunch time and I think we were going shopping. He looked down at me and covered my shoulders with the towel.

“For the rest of the day you are NOT to leave my sight.” He said sternly. “I do not want you farther away from me than three feet for the rest of the day. Do you understand?” My first thought was shock. He acted as if I wandered away and had gotten lost. Then something inside me smiled a little because I knew what he was doing. It was his way of acknowledging that I felt alone and abandoned. I think it was also a message to L (and to me) that I did have a place with him and I did have a place with them that weekend. This was also the evening that I had suggested L and Richard go have dinner alone so I was thinking of that. Not too long after he told me that he meant ALL day and that I would not be left alone again. I wondered how that was going to go over?

Anyway so later that day we were on a patio with the ocean behind us and the pool to our right. L dozed on a lounge chair while Richard and I chatted. I was still feeling not quite right. I was just hurt. I knew Richard had lied to me and I was cold to him. He followed the three foot rule for most of the afternoon. We walked to the bar together a few times to retrieve Malibu and cokes for all of us. I think we were all pretty relaxed albeit pissed off (me). I was hot. I was bored after a while and asked to go back down to the beach. Maybe later he told me. I was so bored I ended up chatting with a really sweet Indian lady near the pool. L seemed content just to lump by the pool. I wanted to be in the surf, or on a boat or flying behind someone’s boat. Sometimes she is incredibly boring and Richard seems more sedate when she is around.

Richard was asleep. L was asleep and I was bored. I was hot. So I left him  there on his chair and walked down to the beach by myself. I swam in the cool blue water for about half an hour. It felt so amazing…I felt refreshed and just swam and swam and swam. I walked back up to the deck and they were still asleep. I just got more angry because I imagined if I had sex all morning I would need a nap too. But I hadn’t. So I flopped down beside him a little louder than I needed to. It jolted him awake and when he gave me that sweet sleepy smile I ALMOST felt guilty. But I didn’t.

“You alright?” He asked.

“I am just great…I went swimming.”

“In the pool?”

“No…I went to the beach. I swam in the ocean.” I tried to keep the sing song I did it even when you said I couldn’t little girl voice to a minimum. I realized that was the mood I was in. I was angry and resentful and so I acted out. I see it pretty clearly now..maybe I did even then.

He looked at me and said nothing for a few minutes.

“You went to the beach after I told you not to.”

“Oh…you meant that?” I said ” …are we going to start doing what we say from now on” (Oh..pixie well played.)

Again..he said nothing. A few minutes later L woke up and we all chatted for a few minutes. She asked me if I was having a good time and I told her that I was having a wonderful time, that I just got out of the sea. She said that was nice and asked me how the water was. I got pleasure in bragging to her that I had disobeyed Richard even though she didn’t know he had told me not to. I cut my eyes towards him and he gave me a smoldering glance and then suggested we all go get ready for dinner.

So we abandoned our chairs and walked together upstairs. Me..still pouty ( and this is where I contributed to the failure of the weekend. We dressed and showered and I was cold to Richard the entire time. A lot is said here about L being forced to deal with this situation. Well…no one forced her to join me in shower and that told me something.

Anyway…after the shower I was getting dressed and Richard was already ready. It takes L forever to get ready so after awhile it was just Richard and I together on the balcony overlooking the ocean. He was angry with me. I could see it on his face. I had blatantly disobeyed him and then rubbed his face in it. I felt it was justified because he had blatantly lied to me and then allowed me to feel humiliated because of it. I forgot that isn’t how Ownership worked…see like I said before I wasn’t feeling too good about my submission and my trust in my Owner had been badly bruised. So when I walked past him and he reached for me I couldn’t help but turn away. He pulled me into the bedroom and practically flung me to the bed. He yelled at me to clean my clothes up off the bed. Yes…he raised his voice to me. The first time. He didn’t wait for me to obey him or not. He was just angry and frustrated and he needed me to know it. I was angry too and confused as to why he was angry with me. I had been the one hurt that day. Left alone and ignored…and why..in the name of submission or selfishness? That is how I saw it. So when he pushed me back against the bed and told me to lift my skirt I straightened up and looked him right in the eye and said no.

At this point L walked into the room took one look at her husband and walked away. I crossed my arms and glared at him. “Now.” he said. His voice calm now but laced with a warning that I had never heard from him before. I was too angry, too indignant to realize how sexy he was at that very second…lol. But don’t tell him I said that.

I said no again. He stepped away.

“Is this how you see us? When you take away my ability to Dominate you, when you take away my expectation that you will obey me you are telling me you don’t need me, that you don’t want this.”

I remained quiet. My mind was screaming….yes and when you lie to me. When you ignore me and pretend my feeling mean nothing to you…when you make me feel horrible about what I am to you are telling me you don’t need me.

L walked back into the room. “Do you need me to leave you two alone for a minute?”

His eyes never left me. “Yes.”

“We have reservations at nine.” she said. His eyes never left me. “Uh..ok then..I will see you outside.”

She told me later she was afraid to leave me alone with him..lol, that she was afraid he was going to spank me and hurt me. Funny thing was…that is just what I wanted him to do. I wish that he had. When he told me to pull up my skirt and I said no…I wish he had smacked my face. I wish he had pushed me over and pulled my skirt up. To me that is what my old Dominant would have done…in my mind this Dominant was allowing L to define what it was he did and said to me. He let me down.

What I don’t think he realized right away was the effect his words had on me. He lectured me pretty severely and warned me to get and keep my head on straight. That he was counting on me to not make trouble. He pulled me against him and hugged me before we followed L outside. I had big tears in my eyes that I never let fall. I was quiet and subdued but mostly I was floaty and subbie and completely on the edges of subspace. I am not sure why..maybe his voice scared me, maybe his restrained anger reminded me of what he has done and he was capable of doing to me.

By the time we were at the restaurant I was barely able to think. L asked me if I was alright about three times. I heard R tell her I was fine. It was then I think he realized I wasn’t quite myself. The menu was in front of me and I had no idea what was on it. There was no way I could make a choice. They discussed wine and champagne and I just nodded. The bottle was ordered and my glass was filled and I hardly noticed. He ordered for me. It was a little funny I think looking back because in my head I was thinking just please nobody ask me to do anything or answer a question. I focused on Richard reassuring and understanding gaze across the table from me. I felt better. I realized he knew right where my mind was.

The food was delicious. The wine was amazing. They both know just what to order and it was perfect. What wasn’t perfect was the table behind us. And this is the part I can’t believe I forgot to write about. There was a table behind us of about 5 or 6. One man was incredibly obnoxious. We were in a slightly upscale restaurant and you don’t expect to see or hear some of what was coming out of this guys mouth. Their desert was served and he made the comment to the other guy that he needed to eat it because he could guarantee he had not had an orgasm like that since before he was married.

I though….OMG this guy is like five years old. I said as much to Richard and L and then turned around and glared at him. I am typically pretty tolerable of stupidity but today I was not in the mood. I was feeling like I needed a quiet space and he was being an ass. The table saw me glare at him and one of them must have told him to quiet down.

The words came to our table quite clearly He said. “She just needs fucked. Too bad she is out with her parents.”

We could not believe he said that. I was embarrassed. I almost said something but remembered my own manners. L and I chatted for a few minutes about what he had said. I noticed that my Owner was strangely quiet. He had a look on his face that I could almost recognize. It smoldered and drew me into him only it wasn’t for me. He was tense and his eyes never left the table behind me. A moment later when Mr. Loudmouth…let’s call him Mickey got up and walked to the restroom L and I were startled when Richard calmly laid his napkin aside and followed him.

It gets better. The two other men at the other table looked at each other and followed Richard.

L and I just looked at each other. I asked what he was doing and she said she didn’t know. We waited to hear the police siren or the ambulance. A few minutes later my Owner calmly walked back to our table. He reached over and patted my hand and told me not to look so worried. He laughed at my expression and told L he was fine. “What did you do?” L and I asked him at the same time. “Nothing…I just told him he owed pixie an apology for how he was acting and what he said about her.”

I didn’t know what to say. Did men really do that? Had he really just defended me?

I was still a little floaty and I think that always brings out R’s protective streak. He knew that I was vulnerable and that the man behind us was out of line. I was amazed when the loud man stopped at our table on the way back to his own. I had never felt more his. Richard told me later he spent the entire dinner just wanting to hold me.

“Excuse me. I wanted to apologize to you if my words or actions impeded on your evening at all. When the gentleman told me what I had said I didn’t remember. I didn’t think I had been so rude; my friends confirmed that I had in fact been insulting. I apologize.” He touched my hand and then reached over and shook Richard’s thanking him. Richard thanked him back and the man turned and sheepishly returned to his table. The restaurant was silent. Every mouth at his table was wide open.

L was amazed. I was proud…so proud that my Owner did the right thing. Chivalry is not dead.

I realized once again how important I am to him. What he thinks of me and how he needs me. That night I did cuddle against him. I knew he had forgiven me for my behavior. I whispered it to him as we were falling asleep. I told him I was sorry I had lost my place…that I loved him and needed his forgiveness. He said there was nothing to forgive. He said it was over, forgotten and I wouldn’t be punished for it. He said my hurt feelings punished him more than he was ever capable of punishing me. He told me later that he felt manipulated…pressured into spending time with L alone in the bedroom. 

I woke up to have his arm around me and feeling at peace for the moment in where we were knowing we had some holes to climb out of and not all together sure they wouldn’t backfill on us.

Tonight I am remembering that evening with a big grin. Amazed that I could go from feeling so un-owned to so entirely wrapped up in him and what we each give the other. I truly believe that with enough patience, respect and acknowledgment of the other’s needs (not to mention confidence in your own role) that this will work.

I am also still looking forward. This weekend I am taking a trip with my friend from GA.  He is flying me to Rehoboth Beach…Delaware I think. He is looking at a golf course there and asked me to go along. So we leave Friday and return Sunday.

I am just keeping busy and distracting myself. Yes, I like him. No, it isn’t love. I haven’t been intimate with him. It may never progress into anything like that. I know R feels conflicted about my dating. I know we both wonder if I am ready. I think I have to. I think I have to add people to my life who I can see anytime I want.

It will be good for me, good for all three of us.

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo

We’ve all managed to keep our sense of humor. I don’t know how…maybe because we are all well aware of not only the shortness of life but how precious it truly is. Richard jokingly warned my readers that the worse part of the weekend had yet to be revealed. I was surprised he mentioned it at all since a lot of what I’ve written reflects poorly on him. He told me last night that he never promised me that he was perfect. He even reminded me that every time I would tell him he was in fact perfect he would remind me of the reasons why he was not.

He said he never asked to be placed on a pedestal. I disagreed. I told him he did that to himself every time he touched me, every time he made me kneel and look up at him, every time he made me beg…every time he held an orgasm just out of my reach until they could only ever be his. He only shook his head as if he didn’t quite know what to say. He held me a little closer and told me he loved me…he said he loved me from the first day he saw me. “I know.” I said even though I knew that wasn’t true. Truth was he tried very hard and for a long time not to love me.

L told me he had once told her that loving me and allowing me to love him was a mistake. She also told me that Richard had agreed to make a brave attempt at removing the emotional side of our relationship….to focus more on the D/s and less on the two way affection that flows between us. I knew even as she was speaking that wouldn’t happen. It hit me how much he had to hold back to pacify her…it made me wonder why he told her the truth at all? 

This was after she cornered me at the beach. After I was put in the position of lying to her and acknowledging Richard was still lying to her about me. In my mind and I tried to explain this to them both that lying about what we share goes against what we are trying to build. And like one reader said if Richard lies so easily to L what makes me think he wouldn’t lie to me as well? I felt nauseous.  I felt as if a lot of the pain was in vain when there were still secrets especially when the secrets were about me and what he gives me.

Until our beach trip unless I had the black and white indisputable evidence in front of me I would never think Richard capable of lying to me. One reason I need someone like Richard in my life is because he gives me an example of what to strive for…he is good and brave and kind and everything in between, And yes he is fallible but even the most fallible of men are driven to be honest by some goodness inside of them. Right? What is a Dominant if they don’t bring out the best in you…expect the best from you and show you their best. To me and correct me if I am way off that is a primary role of a Dominant.

Richard lied to me at the beach. Maybe he did it so I wouldn’t be hurt or maybe he did it so he wouldn’t have to justify breaking one of his rules..or maybe he thought if I knew the truth I would think him weak. It was decided before we went to the beach that we wouldn’t have any sex. None of us. Richard sincerely promised to leave his pants on. And while we all laughed at the time he said it we all knew we weren’t any where close to being ready for that. L may never be…I may never be.

So let me set the stage. It is the morning after Richard’s disappearance. I am feeling abandoned and sad. I was left outside on the balcony for close to an hour hearing little moaning noises compliments of L through the door. I was in a horrible state of mind. Early that morning Richard asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving him some time alone with L that morning. Apparently she was also in a horrible state of mind. And me being the submissive, the dispensable one, the strong one as R put it should understand that she needed some time with him. “Sure” I said. I was already numb so what did it matter? We ended up at the beach and I took my chair and towel and moved down the beach from them. I read and listened to my ipod…and people watched for almost an hour. I then took the longest walk on the beach EVER before coming back to my chair and sunbathing for another undetermined length of time. I avoided looking at them. I didn’t know what they were doing and by now I didn’t care. I think this is where I finally started to see the inevitability of me having to be the strong one and walking out of this relationship. Never before (or so I thought) had my feelings, had my mental health, my emotions been so disregarded. I felt …well, there are really no good words to explain how I felt. Lost and alone and forgotten are all a start. I started to resign myself. Prepare myself even subconsciously for what I knew I would have to do just to survive this relationship.

Richard walked to me and knelt by my chair. He said they were going to walk on the beach. I asked him if he was really leaving? I said I had left them alone…why were they now leaving? He said again they were going walking and he asked me where I would be. I said I guessed I would be here at the beach. I rolled over and watched the ocean and paralleled it to my feelings for Richard. I imagined myself as the coastline and Richard the water…I watched as it covered and flooded the coastline but always, always pulled away but also always taking a little of the coast out to sea. I thought of us like that. I realized how insignificant my feelings were to him compared to keeping L pacified and content. I felt like an outsider…and I suppose I was. I am.

The beach grew cold. The wind picked up and all I had was my suit…a damp towel and three empty beach chairs. I walked up to our rooms and my key wouldn’t work. My first thought was frustration because we were in this huge resort and it would have taken me a day to walk across to get my key fixed. So I resigned myself to going back to the beach to wait for L and Richard to come back. I tried my key one more time before turning to leave. A housekeeper asked me if I needed help. I told her my key wasn’t working.

“Oh honey.” she said “Your parents went inside awhile ago. They must have the latch on that is why your key won’t work.”

I don’t think I answered her. I just turned around and walked away. I realized what was going on behind the door. I realized what that meant. And what it took from me. I don’t remember ever in my life feeling the way I did at that moment. I can’t even describe it here. I can’t because I am not talented enough to find the words to express how I felt. I was lied to by RICHARD. I was left alone again. Everything in my mind changed. It won’t ever go back to how it was. This was more than the vacation from hell it was an eye opener for me.

The plan all along was this trip being an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. I thought after L had her first meltdown all of that changed. I had no idea the weekend would truly be an affirmation of my place in Richard’s life. So I go on and try to find the place in my head that is not lying to me. I am looking for clarity and I am looking for the courage to let go. I thought I had found it. I thought I was strong enough to release him…to ask to be released. I told him the bad outweighs the good now. Maybe it did before this trip. I don’t know for sure.

I know that he hurt me in a way I would have never expected from Richard. And it is not so much as seeing him as fallible as it is me realizing that I was so wrong.

He told me later he didn’t want to be locked up in the room with her. He felt manipulated and he felt angry. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m not sure what matters. I know that all around me I feel myself gathering the courage to do what I know I need to do.

I told him and he quoted me in his post that… “this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”

And that is just what he is doing. He is telling me through his words, actions and inactions that this IS bad and it IS wrong and that he doesn’t want or need it or me anymore. He told me that when he sent me outside so he could be with L, he told me that when he left me alone on the windy beach, he told me that when he made me deal with the outcome of this trip alone. He told me it was wrong and bad when he refused to be my lifeline the night I wrote my ‘deck’ post and so many other nights where I cease to exist after 5 pm. 

I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to feel or how to make the numbness go away. There is good here somewhere. Where is it? Where has it gone? I’ve never felt further away from my him, He held me afterwards and told me that he feels me slipping away.Please don’t slip away he whispered.

What? I’m not slipping away. I’m right here. I’m here. You are throwing me away, giving pieces of me (of us) away as if they mean nothing at all. You are allowing L to define what it is I need and what it is you give me…you are not who I thought you were. Are you? How can you change the rules after a year? My submission is what you’ve made it. You demand it ALL…you take it all and expect nothing short of complete submission beneath your hands. You have made me yours…as much through your kisses as through your cane. My silly love…how do you expect me to continue to submit to you without both on my skin?

‘Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul’
~Judy Garland

There is a lot swirling around us now. Surely the vacation-from-hell posts have made that clear. And several readers have posted comments noting, as I myself have noted, that pixie’s ups and downs have been quite visible for some time. One post is up, one post is down. And there was the time that pixie asked me to release her after an email from L – if my memory is working, I think the post was something like “Meeting L.” And my God, the angst we caused each other all last year, wondering if it was “time” for me to let her go. And many people have called for my impeachment, as it were. But because our pixie doesn’t tell all (she does have her secrets), I thought I would write a little about this.

The day after we all returned from the vacation disaster, I saw pixie over lunch. Yes, another “Give a Dom an Hour” experience. We met at the apartment. After a weekend of frustration, I quickly ordered pixie out of her clothes. A number of orgasms later, as she was on her back, knees up, I straddled her and teased her mouth with my cock. I finally let her have it and began to fuck her mouth. About 10 seconds later, she convulsed in another spontaneous, “no touching” orgasm. I looked at her in surprise and she said “what just happened?” And we both laughed. As I have said, easy orgasms. But I digress…..

Later she said something about wishing I had had intercourse with her. And later still, she said something about wishing we had been able to go to the beach together again. I said, “you are giving me a Richard ‘bucket list’ and I can’t stand to listen to it.” She laughed and denied it, but it didn’t feel very good. She really was giving me a bucket list

The next day (Wednesday) pixie left on a business trip and quickly started to come unglued. Thursday morning I awoke to find an email from pixie that said in part:

“I am scared of myself tonight. Scared that I am doing the wrong thing, even more scared that I am doing the right thing. In my mind your words are playing in my head…the words were you warned me that if I asked to be released you would not have the strength to deny me, you would not try to talk me out of it. You also said that you didn’t want to let me go, that you didn’t want me to say those words to you…….

I am not asking to be released. I am releasing you. With nothing but love in my heart for you and a treasured box of bittersweet tear dampened and sunshine dried memories…I release you. I wish you love and peace in your heart.”

So many text messages passed between us on Thursday and Friday, a few emails, some phone calls. Of course I tried to dissuade her. I even said in one text message “I do not accept your release of me.” In the end, I sent a response to her which ended:

“You may call me today if you wish. If not, I will call you next week to make sure…. yes, I want to give you every chance I can to change your mind about this before I start trying to dismantle what we have built. Don’t put me through this pain if you are not determined to see it through. There is much resignation in this email, I know – it is because you have tried so hard so many times…. I can’t stand in the way any longer. Just know that I stand by my words – I am not walking away from you. And I never would have, although I was never able to make you believe that.

“Oh the mad coupling of hope and force

in which we merged and despaired.”

with nothing but love and sadness,

R”

Because pixie did not have computer access, I described this email to her and she said “so you are giving me until Monday to change my mind.” We both laughed, through the pain, and I said yes, I wanted to leave the door open. Much to my despair, I did not hear a word from her all weekend.. By Sunday night, I was telling L that there was too much resolve in pixie’s voice, her words, that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind. L and I spent the weekend with friends, and she knew I was doing a good job of hiding it all, but she knew the melancholy in my eyes.

On Monday, pixie and I talked – it was very tentative, especially at first. I was already trying to pull back emotionally. I am sure my voice sounded flat. There was a lot of resignation in my head. But we talked. And we chatted. And we talked some more. And she said that it wasn’t until the middle of the night on Sunday that she began to change her mind. We met Tuesday for lunch and just sat in her car and talked. There was one chat entry that I saved. It said:

“i think that the very idea of not being loved and owned by you…. because for me i cant separate the two anymore… breaks my heart. i don’t want to replace you. i don’t want anyone else to touch me or love me or even need me. i am yours. i know that. but i also know that it will never be more than what it is… and one day another will love me and touch me and need me. this past weekend showed me a lot of things…. but one thing stands out in my mind… and that is when i need – i need you. and when i want – i want you…. and when i love… it’s you that i love. and until you tell me that is bad or wrong and or you don’t want it anymore that is what i will give you.”

On some days, L can accept sharing her husband. On other days, it is very, very hard. On those days she wishes this would end, sooner rather than later. On some days it occurs to her, as it has to me, that this could last for years. And yet, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and stay with me. On some days, pixie can accept that she shares me with a wife; she can write those words above and say “I know it will never be more that what it is.” And in spite of that, because of love (and yes, it goes both ways) she can hang on and love me and give me all that she does. Love is a cruel master.

All of this can change overnight. No one has agreed to go on forever, or for a week. Everyone except me is in for a day at a time. I am in for the long haul. I can only say, please don’t leave, I’m not leaving, I’m not giving either of you up; and then hope that both of them hang on tight. Selfish? Quite possible true. Is there pain? Of course there is. Will there be more? I’m afraid so. Should I let pixie go, or should she, having let me go, not have grabbed hold of me again? Who is to say? Each of us has an opinion on that, I am certain. pixie and I have given it more thought than the rest of the world combined. We are where we are – call it what you will.

I have tried to teach pixie some things about love- that it is not security, it is vulnerability; that it always involves some pain; that to avoid love to avoid the pain is to avoid life, the best part of life; that the pain we will know from our parting is a price I am willing to pay for the joy of knowing and loving and owning and using and dominating pixie; that the love you take is equal to the love you make (ok, I didn’t write that, but it is really good, don’t you think?). It is all wound up together, isn’t it? I can not separate the parts either.

After the long weekend that pixie has documented here, and all my foolishness (and not even all of it…) for all the world to see, I said to pixie that the three of us were on a whirling merry-go-round, perfectly balanced, and that if one of us tried to jump off they would (of course) be hurt terribly, but that the remaining spinning merry-go-round, now unbalanced, would spin and wobble and crash. We are connected in a way that cannot easily be undone without hurt to all of us – different ways, surely, but hurt to all of us. We have all begun to see that jumping off, or letting someone else jump off, is a difficult task. We are holding hands and spinning wildly on the beach until one of us lets go of one hand and we all fall down.

This week, neither pixie nor I nor L is letting go.

Thank you all for your really thoughtful comments, helpful even when they hurt. I especially thank those of you who have found a way to deliver insightful comments taking me or us to task but doing so in a way that is kind and decent. Criticism, delivered with good intentions and hope and support , are a gift we cherish. I know pixie agrees.

““Don’t you know that you come with us wherever we go….you are in this little suitcase that is never too far away from Richard.”

My Owner sent me flowers this morning. A huge beautiful fairy tale bundle of flowers in a lovely vase adorned with a sheer pink ribbon. The card….a simple Thank You.

The simplicity of his words brought tears to my eyes. I was a little humbled that he was thanking me when the last 48 hours was full of all the things I should be thanking him for. When I think of this weekend I think of all the lessons learned. When I think this past weekend I think of smiles and tears and growth and a lot of love. What I learned about Richard, what I learned about myself and L and even what I learned about what makes us all human. Even Richard. (Yes…Richard is human…lol)

I spent the weekend with Richard and L. Friday I met them at a contemporary hotel in the city for our photo shoot. We were all so excited walking into the weekend. I of course was thrilled to be spending time with my Owner and learning more about my role with them as a couple. Of course at this point I wasn’t even sure if there was a role for me with them being a couple. I am secure in my role with Richard, as his submissive. And with L…the past few weeks we have worked to establish the fragile skeleton of a friendship between us. She is working to understand this entire thing. I think she gets it now more than ever what it means to be in this sort of relationship. I knew that this weekend would be a chance for L to see me being truly submissive to Richard.

It was agreed upon that there would be no sex between anyone so that was off the table. I was distressed a bit to realize that initially L was seeing the time together as her sharing Richard with me. I wanted to somehow have that converted in her mind to where it was Richard sharing me with her. I know how far off that is and I also know it may not happen but in my mind it would take the competition out between us that she puts between all of us. I didn’t want to go into this on an equal footing with her. It made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure how to take it….she is still learning about submission and dominance and ownership. I am still learning about her and how her knowing about Richard and I changes my role in his life and adds me to hers.

The photo shoot was fun. We laughed and talked a lot throughout. The pictures were not porn…they were tastefully erotic. We weren’t making out or touching each other…it was nothing like that. The photos were meant to be more of a documenting of the differences in our ages….the changes in our bodies etc. It was exciting and empowering and arousing. The pictures that Richard took Friday were wonderful. I love being photographed by him. I felt like I was performing for him. L was beautiful and I know she enjoyed herself too. It was playful and allowed us the opportunity to touch and be close with nothing fake in the way…we were simply two beautiful women being photographed by the man they both love and adore. There was a certain freedom in that. The freedom that really came without me having to hide how I felt about my Owner was an indescribable feeling. She has accepted my need of him and how he needs me.

After the shoot Richard made the announcement that we all needed to go to dinner. He didn’t feel as if we were ready for anything else…he didn’t think L was ready to witness him doing anything to me. We both argued with him a little. I think we were both at the point where we figured it would happen eventually and here we all were in this great room and we were all kind of mellow from the champagne. We should have obeyed Richard and trusted him. Friday night almost ruined the entire weekend. Lots of feeling surfaced on both sides and poor Richard…well I think he learned how difficult it is to take care of two emotionally needy and vulnerable women at one time. I remember at one point he said as he was stopping it…he said we both needed his full attention and he was unable to give it to either of us.

He spanked me in front of her. It wasn’t the spanking that bothered her as much as it was the affection he showed me. To me it was more of a demonstration at first but then he added some harder pain and a small taste of humiliation. It is hard to beg your Owner for something in front of his wife….but looking back it was pretty hot to repeat back to him that I was his cunt. I think she was more prepared for that and less for the tenderness he shows me throughout. The soft touches down my back and the kisses on my neck…stuff like that. And he toned it way down even. I am not sure how prepared for that she was. I know Richard told her that he was affectionate with me…that I needed that and he desired to give it to me but knowing it and seeing it is different. It really wasn’t a secret that he has strong feelings for me or that I ma obviously giving him something he needs. I know he has told her how he feels about me but seeing it in front of her still had to be hard. She and I had a conversation the day before on owning our own feelings. On being there willingly and not making Richard feel responsible or guilty if we were hurt or felt slighted. I don’t think she was capable of holding herself to that yet because she at one point directed a lot of anger at Richard. I will write more about Friday night later on. It just ended badly for all of us. Richard was forced to leave my side earlier than he ever would have and deal with what she needed and even then she felt as if what he was given her was being given to her because he felt obligated to give it. I know at one point I just wanted to point out to the two of them how they were obviously miscommunicating but I never did. I let them work it out on their own and by morning things seemed better. L and I prepared breakfast while Richard ventured out to get us all hot chocolate. We spent some time admiring our presents from Richard. He gave us both a beautiful pair of earrings so we would have something to remember from our first weekend together. The same gift yet so different….he knows us both so well and gave us both something that made us both so happy. He worried that he wouldn’t be able to tell me he loved me while we were with her so he told me whenever he touched his hair he was thinking of how much he loves me. He touched his hair a lot. 

L and I had the first of a series of really good conversations while he was gone. I realized that I was needed here and not just because I could give Richard something he needed. L needed to talk to me and I needed to hear all that she had to say. She listened to me too. And of course it all worked out for us…we are the only two people who can so perfectly understand each other. And I do really understand how she is feeling. I don’t like or agree with how she talks to Richard when I see him trying so hard to anticipate and met her needs. I am sensitive to that and I feel bad when I feel as if he is being disrespected. Still…she has a right to her feeling and for all that she is accepting I suppose Richard can tolerate a little crap from her right now. I think she knows that I truly care how she is feeling and that I want the two of them to be successful. I think she knows that. Oddly enough she wants Richard and me to be successful. She thanked me this weekend for what I do for him…what having me in his life has done for him and for them as a couple. She also said that she felt young again planning this weekend and she would do it all over. We validate each other and she recognized my relationship with Richard as something to be valued and respected. She told me how it made her feel to know Richard was thinking about what I needed even while he was with her. I told her how I felt to be placed into a highly submissive state and then left alone. She understood that. She talked about their upcoming vacation and I said that it would be good for them to get away for all this. She looked at me and said.. “Don’t you know that you come with us wherever we go….you are in this little suitcase that is never too far away from Richard.”

What do you say to that? I told her I was sorry. And she said for me to not be sorry that things were what they were and she understood why he and I need each other the way we do. She said I give him something he obviously needs and something she knows she never will give him. She said that I settle that part in him and he is happier for having me in his life.

Friday had some rocky moments. Saturday was mostly smiles and passion and laughs. I would relive Saturday a thousand times and only change things slightly. The best moment Saturday was after our showers…after Richard shampooed our hair and after he took dozens more pictures of us in towels and robes. L and I were feeling playful and sort of languid and the pictures were of us in white robes….towels on our heads in the rumpled king size bed. We were really having a good time and it somehow turned into this little…let’s taunt Richard with how hot we look. The pictures took a turn…nothing inappropriate. Just a bit more skin…a damp nipple here or there or a little cheek showing. Put that with her and me in bed together with an already frustrated Dominant man. He was literally groaning with every shot. It was great fun. 🙂

Finally he joined us on the bed and we sort of just lounged there. He was between us and there was way too much exposed skin for him not to let his fingers wander around. I turned on my stomach and L and I started to talk again. She had pink panties on beneath her robe and her skin looked so pretty against the fabric. I told her how pretty she looked and asked to take a picture of the fabric against her skin. I felt inspired and it hit me suddenly that she really needed some positive feedback from me. I tentatively began to touch her…just her neck and across her stomach and she wasn’t sure if she wanted it or not. All at once Richard reached over and asked to extend our stay one more night. It was such a funny moment…there we were an hour before our already late checkout and none of us wanted our time together to end.

It was still playful and fun and really all that comes next is a blur…ok not really a blur. I have seen it over and over in my head. We kept our promise that here was not going to be any sex between any of us. There were plenty of orgasms to go around. It was quite an experience and one that will come out in bits and pieces. Carefully and cautiously. I want to be respectful of the fact L is not aware of my blog and therefore she has not given her consent to be discussed here.

So there we were…learning and discovering together. It felt right and we all knew there was a risk one or all of us would walk away with regrets. We didn’t. A Friday photo shoot turned into a Sunday brunch….more amazing conversation and L and I found a new respect and admiration for each other. I realized she was able to add a dynamic to my life that would have been good for me even if there was no Richard. I know she struggles with liking me…in a way I struggle with liking her too. At first it was something I wanted to do to please Richard. I wanted to respect and befriend L to make this easier on him. Now I want to be close to her because it makes it easier on her.

After brunch and yet more champagne L and I asked Richard to leave us so we could talk some more. She has so much to say to me and just opens up…I do the same for her. And I found we talk quite openly about what we need and what we get from the same man. What a complex man he is….how is needs differ from me to her and how they all sort of circle around.

Finally we said goodbye. Late Sunday afternoon we said goodbye and they went their way and I went home. I was happy the entire way home. I started to feel the let down I expected after 48 hours of being submissive to Richard and all the experiences of the weekend. I missed them both. A lot…both of them. I pushed through the sadness and was almost feeling back to 100% happy when L called me. She called and invited me to meet them for dinner. I was shocked…are you sure I asked incredulous. After all she had not had Richard to herself all weekend other than the past few hours. Yes she said…we insist.

And so I did. I am so glad I did. I had more fun out with them at dinner than I remember having in a long time. We shared yet another bottle of really, really good wine and the conversation was fun and exciting and incredibly intoxicating.

Nothing is going to be the same now….and yet nothing has changed. I am still owned and loved by Richard. Tomorrow night is our time together just he and I. He is happier than he has ever been. He is very pleased with me. I am pleased with how this has turned out.

In my submissive head nothing is better than having my Owner pleased with me. Funny how having his wife pleased with me too ads to that mind set of being owned. In my mind it removed the competitive element and delivered me deeper into my Owners keeping. I can’t think of a better place to be. I am finding ways to carry that feeling with me even when he is not by my side and his hands are not on my body. There is such a sweet freedom in that for all of us I think. I want that because that is when I am truly owned.

I am overwhelmed by good feelings right now.  I am smiling, I am happy and all is right in the world of pixie and Richard. Somehow I have emerged unscathed. Yes..my Owner, I am still smiling tonight. 🙂

Today’s snapshot is bright, clear and full of hope and relief that everything is turning out as it should. I saw Richard last night and carried with me a skeptical heart. I had convinced myself somehow that things were different…I had allowed myself to let my trust in Richard slip. A submissive’s folly for sure.

He told me that he would take everything from me…that I would give him all he needed, all he expected and that he would leave me empty. And that together we would refill me and only good feelings would linger. I read those words again…and again. I fought the urge to melt into them and follow my instinct to be led, to trust. I knew he mishandled me last week, he knew that he did too. Even the best Dominants are entitled to a misstep every now and then….and I easily forgave him and was slightly in awe that he validated my feelings the way he did.

Richard knows me. He seems to be just intuitive enough to know what I need, what I can take and what I can’t. He also knows how to take me just past where I am comfortable going. I know that even as he takes from me what he needs he is ever mindful of my pleasure…of my desire to be taken, to feel pain, to submit. That is why he is not just my Dominant…that is why I am truly and fully Owned by this wonderful man who knows me so well.

Last night I beat Richard to the apartment. I showered and slipped naked beneath the warm quilt on the bed. I told him I was going to show up early and take a little nap. I love our apartment…I feel so at home in the cozy, small place that holds so many memories. It was really never my intention to fall asleep, I really didn’t mean to. I only wanted to lay quietly there and focus on the wall I had built around myself over the past few days..a few more bricks needed to be added. He would be there any minute and I could tell I wasn’t ready or strong enough or half prepared to even see him let alone submit to him.

I was so scared that I was going to fail him…that somehow I needed too much of him and that if I could just give him my body all would be alright. I had figured out all on my own that because emotionally Richard is in a good place with L that he didn’t need love from me. I decided to hold that part of myself from him. I also convinced myself that I was not going to let myself ‘feel’ enough to go away, to drift away into sub space. I didn’t want Richard to put me there and then feel obligated to nurture me back. I was confused and wounded…and so very, very wrong. There is a reason why I am submissive and Richard the Dominant…he reminded me of that last night. He taught me that it is up to him what he takes from me, what he needs from me, what I give to him. I tried to control it and to monitor it…deliberately holding that one piece of myself out of his reach and then once he finally reached it I struggled with allowing him to see where I was. I was determined to take all the pain for him and give no emotional response…to not allow my need for his tenderness and nurture to guide me. I tried to control what is not in my right to control….it isn’t even about rights. I tried to control what I gave to him over eight months ago and that is my submission.

He needs my love…he needs my submission now more than ever he said.  I almost ruined an amazing night by trying hard to hold back….to be a shell of what he has made me.

I knew it was going to be hard if not impossible to hold back from him right away. I woke up and there he was…beside me…gathering me in his arms and holding me close…kissing me and telling me how he loves me….marveling at my nakedness and stroking me gently with the same hands that hold a knife to my throat or draw blood from a cane. The tenderness and love that emanated from him pulled at my heart and I fought it off even as I allowed myself to be loved, to feel cherished.  He quickly showered and lay down by my side again pulling me against him. We talked…about our day… about L… about us…about how I was feeling. We talked about trust and how I needed to trust him to take care of me….or neither of us would get what we wanted. He sat up and pulled me up so I was sitting beside him. He knew part of me wasn’t there, a part of me that couldn’t be there for I had convinced myself there were pieces of me that he didn’t want.….I said that maybe he shouldn’t kiss me anymore. And he pressed me down in the covers and kissed me a million times on my lips and face…some hard and demanding others soft and gentle. I told him that maybe ‘this’ part is what is messing with my head…making me want and need more from him. ‘This’ meaning the soft touches of his fingers on my skin, his hand cupping my head or in my hair. As he ran his hands gently up and down my body lingering on his spot….the back of my neck…allowing a finger to rest gently on the curve of my back…I trembled beneath him. He whispered again that he took what he needed from me….it wasn’t my job to monitor it. He wanted all of me. I said that maybe I shouldn’t tell him I loved him…that he shouldn’t tell me. He whispered it in my ear. “I love you, you are a part of  me. This..”  he said pulling the blankets away and pressing me back down into the bed this time on my stomach, “completes what I am, who I am. I need you to do that.” He covered me with his body…the entire weight of him threatening to smother me and all I could think of was my feelings for him and how I would be doing him a favor by shifting my submission to something less complete.  I closed my eyes and absorbed it all…knowing that part of me still resisted, still shielded me from the pain. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted to meet his needs and my own and interfere as little as possible in what L needs and deserves from Richard. Loving him and having him love me in return is the only part of what we have that L does not know, and maybe she doesn’t need to know. That isn’t my decision to make…only her not knowing makes it seem like something to hide. And I guess it is…and really what does that hurt? I wonder though if it is something he doesn’t need from me…but where would he and I be without it? I am certain that it is almost impossible to do what we do…and then on top of that be so much alike to not love each other. Someday I will figure all that out because it is a different sort of love, it is so different from how I have ever felt. It isn’t like the love I’ve had for anyone else in my life up until now.

I learned my lesson. Submission is just that…submitting. I tried to control what I gave up control of a long time ago. I know this post is vague and I apologize for that. I am figuring it all out…I only know that I have climbed over something. I am at a point of acceptance…a point of wonder that all of this has meshed together. It is working..it is going to work. I am amazed this is happening. Amazed that Richard successfully maneuvered a conference call between the three of us yesterday…and that L and I are exchanging emails…or that we are finding some humor in this situation. I also know she is curious about what we do…sop curious now she may want to observe. I still think that is a ways off…and I want to go slowly into that. I am encouraged her reaction has changed from…’you people are sick….lol’ to a curiosity surrounding what makes her husband who he is.

In my last post toy made a comment about becoming the supplement and not the substitute. I cried when I read that. Yes…I thought to myself…..that is the plateau I have been trying to reach and the word I was seeking to describe it. Thank you toy.

Thank you to all my readers and commenters….even those who say what is hard for me to read. In many ways it is your comments I need to hear the most.

What a journey….what a swift crossing, a leap from where this all could have ended on both/either side and now there is so much good ahead of us.