dedication page

My editor suggested I take a break writing and work on my dedication page. I had no idea it would be so emotionally draining. I know in my heart of hearts I’ve had more love stories than most. Some were breathtakingly and wonderfully brief. Some were ugly and toxic and brought out the worst in me. Some stand out.

My marriage was not a before and after relationship. I may have grown older but I left my marriage in most all ways the same I went into it. A little more jaded of course, less trusting and certainly more wary of men who appear too perfect but I’ve recovered and if anything I’m better, stronger and so much happier I ever was when confined to the bounds of matrimony.

I tried hard to narrow it down to two but I knew I had to include the first three men who popped into my head. So here it goes. This is what my dedication page would look like if I had to write it right now.

To Mark- you took the innocence I was eager to give you. You took a girl on the brink of womanhood and traveled with me through the trials of finding myself. Perhaps the quintessential coming of age story- knowing you the way I now I realize it not a coming of age story at all. You taught me I wasn’t the only one in the world who enjoyed pain- and you made me feel unashamed about the wiring of my brain. You taught me what submission could feel like. You also taught me about betrayal. You taught me about abandonment and you showed me how my life would have been if I followed your path and settled. You taught me about sadness and lies and duplicity. Knowing what I know about your life now I feel a great sadness for you because we had a path at one point and I was loved by you. I’m certain it crosses your mind sometimes if we had made different choices.

You did however give me the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.

You taught me about myself. You taught me I could be selfless. You taught me to be unashamed of my desires. I was safe in your hands and because of all of those things I dedicate this book to you. Most importantly Mark, you gave me Richard.

To Max. What an enigma you are. We are so much alike. We say that to each other a lot, don’t we? From the first day we met we both felt this pull to each other. It was confusing to me as I belonged to another. So did you. We tried so hard to live within the rules of society. The rules that we both are now free to scorn. Our lives threatened to stand in the way and we did our best to deny what we felt, what we wanted- what we needed. It had a life of its own as these things often do. I don’t think you wanted to love me. You do love me though and you’ve never been afraid to remind me of that when too much time goes by and I don’t see you. You have taught me patience. You have taught me to stand strong in my submission and know that wherever you go and wherever I go we somehow always come back together. There is an intangible string connecting us and you are always playing around somewhere in my head. I hear your voice and you are the man I fantasize about whenever I am with another. It’s always been you. You and I think alike. We know love isn’t something a person runs out of. Love isn’t a feeling one can use up on one person and be unable to love another. I’ve experienced this. You’ve made me a braver person. You are such a gentle lover even in your dominance of me. Your eyes turn three shades darker when you look at me. I jump head first into the green pools each and every time we are together. With you I try not to think about tomorrow. With you I have the freedom to love you and live an entirely different love story at the same time. We may never be a happily ever after. If there even is such a thing but my heart belongs to you. Like I once said in my blog- There is always Max. You are my constant, my North. My submission to you and your dominance of me showed me the real life side of this dynamic. We loved each other through marriages ending, children being born, horrible life changing tragedies and you never once disappeared. You’ve been my lover, my best friend, my hero for years. You are the only person who could understand the grief I felt when I lost Richard and instead of holding that against me you loved me through it. You’ve saved my life more than once. And not just when you pulled me from the sea and made me breath again. You are one of the strongest people I know. You will never know the strength you have given me through the years. When I was sick you were there. You are the only thing that brought me back to center. I survived that brief brush with death because you told me I could. You told me I had to get better. You said we had more adventures to share. And I did get better. And we have had some of the most amazing moments together. You are my travel partner and the only person who doesn’t get on my nerves after 48 hours. We’ve danced together under the sea watching in wonder at the creatures swimming around us. You challenge my heart. You break my heart and still I hand it to you every time you reach for it. You are the only person I lose my voice with when I want to say no. With you I have no pride and my heart is on my sleeve. Your steadfast presence in my life has taught me me to trust again. You took a wild child of a woman that Richard left behind and honed my submission into something that made me stronger in all other aspects of my life. You made submission so fulfilling, so much fun. You taught me how to burn, how to need and how to not get everything I wanted. You taught me to settle. You taught me if something feels like disrespect it usually is. If something feels one sided it usually is. And I’ve learned the emotionally selfish people in this world will be the ones alone as they walk through the second half of their lives- living in a state of freedom when you know freedom is nothing but a braid of the one you miss, loneliness and stubbornness.

With you Max I loved you with nothing more than hope. I loved you to the point of ruin as I fear I’ll never love another the way I love you. I remind myself what a privilege it was for you and to have met, to have loved. I think in the end we’d tell our stories differently. I’ve been through a brief few days of regret and self pity about what just transpired between us. I’ve tried to stop remembering but my heart shows me absolutely no pity. There was something here between us once. And if either of us choosing to take a step in the others direction I imagine it would be as it was. You made me feel like a novelty. As if I was nothing more than an escort scheduled to show up for you pleasure. Some of your comments I found heartbreaking and some of what you didn’t say ended up saying a whole lot. We may have a power exchange but that doesn’t bleed over full disclosure that’s good for the goose and gander. We can respect each others privacy as we should but isn’t fair to either of us to not know if you are in love with another. I don’t want to be the one you call when you need what we’ve found we can only give each other. I love you. But I don’t know you anymore. Not the way I did a few short years ago.

Maybe it’s as simple as wishing we lived a little in the same way. I love with everything. You love selfishly wearing a backpack with a rip cord.

To Richard- how do I take years of love and write it into a short dedication? You told me not to fall in love with you. I think we were both half in love with the other the first time we met. You owned me. You owned my heart. You owned my soul. My very world revolved around pleasing you. You were the true before and after in my life. My 9/11. I’ve never felt more loved, more cherished, more understood than I was when I was with you. You wore a crown for me. You were perfect. And the pedestal I had you on was sky high. We really had a big time, didn’t we? You made me feel as if there was nothing I couldn’t do. You pushed my body to the limits and then when I was limp and wounded you taught me I could take more. You taught me that I could control my body using my mind. I’ve always been a survivor but you took this and loved me so hard I never felt as if I were in survivor mode. I told you all my secrets. You told me secrets about yourself nobody else in the world knows. There were times it seemed we were one person. When it was hard to tell where I stopped and you began. Your breath was my breath and my fear was the elixir that pushed you to take me further. You taught me how it felt to crave pain and to thrive beneath the sting of your hand, to melt under your tender kisses. I became a woman with you. You changed me. When I was with you my heart was wild and settled at the same time. I was a gypsy along for the ride knowing wherever you led I would follow. Oh but you taught me about grief too. The pain I felt when it was finally “time” for us to part became a physical part of my life for the longest time. I woke up with it. I went to bed with it. My sadness was so big I felt as if part of me had died. You were so close to me. You were a million miles away. We did good for awhile, didn’t we? Being strangers. I feel more complete that you are in my life again. Losing you prepared me for my dads suicide. Losing him was as hard as losing you. You rolled through my mind like a slow train with no destination. It took weeks, months, years before I could finally get to the place you told me I’d get to one day. You once told me that I would hurt everyday until it felt as if the pain would never leave me and then one day I’ll realize I didn’t once think of you and those days would come more and more frequently. I never stopped thinking of you. There is a theory about pain or anxiety or any other feeling that experts say you just have to make a place for it. Give it a little time everyday then shake it off and go on about your day. You became a feeling to me. More than just a person. You were a mood. A warm blanket I’d allow to settle around my shoulders each and everyday and no matter where I was I’d anticipate that time. I craved moments of solitude so I could be with you in my mind. I had convinced myself that someplace somewhere you too would be thinking of me and somehow magically you would be able to feel my love. I’m forever grateful to you for everything you were to me. I am beyond thrilled that we aren’t strangers anymore. It means the world to me. I’ve never loved another the way I loved you. You taught me how to dance just for you. You made me yours in every way a person can belong to another. We were bigger than life, bigger than marriage even. Remember telling me that the few short years when I was yours were easily the happiest you had ever been. I never forgot that. I never forgot the taste of your tears that dreadful night when we were almost certain it was over. I can still see your face and how you looked at me that night. I saw the entire world inside your eyes. You made me into what you needed me to be while molding me into the kind of person I always wanted to be. When you were happy I was happy. Just as importantly Richard you gave me Max

I’m sure I’ll edit this. A dedication page shouldn’t be so long but the story I’m telling leans into me and pulls this out placing it on the first page. I love that I love when I’m writing from my heart again.

When I was in these relationships I had reminders, talisman you could say that reminded me I was theirs. There are so many collars but the one I’m sharing below is heavy yet delicate. Lots of color choices but I love the rose gold.

Take a look!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B1MN7KSK/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_FS6ZTWHCHDR33KTBNC5Q?linkCode=ml1&tag=6211975-20.