Moments.

…..let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.  ~Mary Jean Iron
 

A negative quality that I have is that I lose focus. There are days that I wake up and realize that I am not feeling very submissive. I am extremely busy and there are times I get too wrapped up in all my other roles and forget this is something I am doing for myself, something that I require. I am really good about noting the long list of ‘Dom’ responsibilities. I have said before more joking than anything that the only real responsibility of the submissive is to obey her Dominant. I am well aware there is more to it than that. One responsibility I feel I have is to keep my head in the right place. I shouldn’t need Richard to Dom me back into the right head space when he sees me. When I was with M I could blame this on the distance between us and the resulting frustration of wanting to be with him. I can’t use that excuse on Richard. I am aware it is just something I lack….something that I am getting better at.

Richard is an interesting guy. He is funny and charmingly sweet and he is one of those rare men who truly listen when you talk. Not only that but he understands me on a level that few have. He understands when I struggle and even why I struggle sometimes before I do. He knows when to “Dom’ me through it and when to take a more tender approach. He is also proactive. In his realization that I can lose focus he has asked me to take a moment each day to sit and relax and think of myself submitting to him. These moments throughout my day….as it turns out I have several….keep me focused. I feel I benefit from a consistent stream of extreme physical stimulation. Ex.spanking…caning…pain…etc. There is no doubt I crave the physical side to this relationship. I am just realizing how important the mental Domination can be. I find it erotic as I sit behind my desk or just as I go about my day and a thought…so amazingly hot…so disturbingly close to the edge begins to play out in my head. I like that my body can physically react to his Dominance when he is an hour away unaware of the thoughts in my mind. Allowing myself these thoughts keep me focused. I like this.

I also had a hard and fast reminder that while there are times I need my own thoughts to bring myself back into my own submission Richard is incredibly capable of getting me there too. I may have mentioned before that I am searching for a girlfriend. I want a female friend…a playmate of sorts. Someone who understands what I do and someone I am attracted to. Someone I can get close to…close enough to want to share some of my experiences with. I am curious about this newly developing side of my sexuality and I am going to go slow as I explore it. Richard has been supportive and intrigued and…..SHOCKED when I first blurted out I wanted to be with another girl. So earlier today I got an email from Richard and this is part of what he had to say….

…..she is lying face down with her legs apart, and a pillow under her pelvis.You kneel between her legs, touching her. You put your tongue just above her crease and run your tongue up her spine to her neck. You nuzzle her neck and as your mouth reaches her ear, I cane you right at the crease between your butt and your thighs – the most tender spot, and you moan into her ear. That pushes her over the edge and you continue rubbing her as she comes.

No doubt this little scenario will inspire whatever moments I have tomorrow. Focusing is such hard work. 🙂